How could I accept this, how could this happen? Could I really have 'allowed' myself to lose ME over the last 13 years? That would mean that I had willingly done this. Wouldn’t it? How could I do that to myself? WHY would I do that to myself? I'd always prided myself on my strength and my ability to overcome anything life had handed me. After all, I was the one that the family turned to when they faced their own crises, even my extended family. This would mean that somewhere along the line I had lost or given up control... how could this possibly be true? Wouldn't that make me . . . weak?
I wasn't sure I liked the meaning of this dream! That's one of the things with dreams, they don't judge, they don't care if you like the meaning or not. They just are! After all, your dreams are your subconscious releasing and/or spirit and angels trying to give you a message. It's then up to you what you do with that information.
Later that week, I spoke with my Mom on the phone & told her about this dream.She paused for a moment, then said, "Stinkey, I think you've gotten to the point that you care too much what other people think and you've never been like that".
I asked what she meant and she stated, "You were always the kind of person that didn't give two cents what someone else thought about you. If they didn't like who you were or what you did, you could care less. "It didn't bother you at all -- sometimes to the point you were even flippant about it!
WAKE UP CALL! I pondered & pondered what she said. Here was a trait that I thought my mother hated in me and now she was telling me that this was one of my strengths. Even more important...this was a part of me that I had lost and it wasn't to my benefit!
This made me think about all the health problems I'd been suffering from over the last few months and the significance they played in all this. For over seven years now I've had some serious health problems, some of which; my immune system crashing; constant, year round allergies increasing at an unbelievable rate, sinus infections leading to severe congestion then pneumonia, over & over again.
In September of 2002 I started experiencing symptoms similar to SARS, but months prior to SARS being detected. I had some congestion with allergy symptoms and serious coughing spells. By October this had turned into pneumonia. The coughing was becoming much more serious; with phlegm getting caught in my throat to the point I couldn't breath. I would cough so hard it hurt my stomach and often caused stress incontinence. While turning beet red all over I'd run to the bathroom, where I would also start throwing up from the coughing and gagging trying to draw in a breath through all of this. I felt like I was suffocating.
I also started to lose my voice. When I'd start to talk or sing, my voice would become extremely dry so I'd choke on my words, start coughing & couldn't speak -- sometimes for hours. I could even feel a big lump in my throat, right around my trachea area. I was so frustrated from it all that there were times I was in so much pain I just wanted to cry but I couldn't breath well enough to. Instead, tears would roll down my face, I'd gasp for air, choke on my sobs then throw up more.
The doctor gave me a couple prescriptions, including steroids, to help clear my air passage and it helped a little -- at first. Later the medications didn't seem to have any affect.
Eventually, I got over the pneumonia - my lungs were clear but I just couldn't get over the coughing, losing my voice and not being able to breath. I finally went off the medications and started back onto my normal vitamin/mineral supplements. The breathing got a little better but the problem with my voice just kept hanging on -- no one could explain why, but I was beginning to suspect that it was more emotional than physical. Was a part of me that I lost -- my voice????
I researched different books and articles. Finding Louise Hays book, You Can Heal Your Life seemed to reveal a gold mine about my life and my illnesses. In a section of her book I found:
| Problem | Probable cause |
| Throat - problems | The inability to speak up for one's self. Swallowed anger. Stifled creativity. Refusal to change. |
| Pneumonia | Desperate. Tired of life. Emotional wounds that are not allowed to heal. |
| Lung - problems | Depression. Grief. Fear of taking in life. Not feeling worthy of living life fully. |
| Sore throat | Holding in angry words. Feeling unable to express the self. |
| Coughs | A desire to bark at the world, "See me! Listen to me!" |
| Respiratory Ailments | Fear of taking in life fully |
| Depression | Anger you feel you do not have a right to have. Hopelessness. |
| Nausea | Fear. Rejecting an idea or experience. |
| Cold Sores | Festering angry words and fear of expressing them. |
| Allergies | Who are you allergic to? Denying your own power. |
| Nose - bleeds | Represents self recognition. A need for recognition. Feeling unrecognized and unnoticed. Crying for love. |
| Nose - runny | Asking for help. Inner crying. |
| Nose - stuffy | Not recognizing the self-worth. |
How did you get this way, you ask?...........
Come, let me take you on a trip through the last 13 years of my life.....
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